Agony Uncle

Dear Uncle Burt,

I am 75 years old and in and out of the hospital with a chronic kidney complaint. The problem is, every time I’m in the hospital there seems to be a TV crew sticking their cameras up everyone’s bums. As mine is a quite painful and rather embarrassing condition, I wish they would leave me alone. I have resorted to shouting ‘Piss off you bastards!’ whenever they start wagging their cameras around our ward. This seems to have no effect. They simply smile in that sickening way that says: ‘Just ignore this senile old baboon and get on with it.’ Then the so-called PA lights up another King Size Benson & Hedges and flicks the ash in the nearest available bed pan. TV is slowly killing me. What should I do?


Pissed Off (in more ways than one)

Dear Pissed Off,

Calm down and try to ride with the tide. These days hospitals and TV companies are forming increasingly creative partnerships which are proving mutually advantageous for both parties. Many operating theatres are now also full time studios with a direct feed into the local cable TV network. Open heart operations in particular are proving to be surprisingly popular in the afternoon schedules. The profits from these broadcasts are probably keeping your kidney machine going. So at the end of the day all this aggravation is really for your benefit.

Dear Uncle Burt,

I wanna be on TV. I’m getting desperate. I’ve tried everything. I did a cookery course with the idea that I could follow in Floyd’s footsteps. I applied to be on Sex Talk but my sexual fantasies were too boring (I had to make them up because I didn’t have any). I tried Life Swaps, but nobody wanted to swap with me. I bought a singing dog in the hope that Blue Peter would be interested – they had just had a singing dog on the week before. With my sights set on 999, I went potholing during a heavy rainstorm, but no one came to rescue me – and ‘no rescue, no story’, they said. I’ve tried Video Diaries, Video Nation, and all the chat shows. I even studied at RADA for three years. No luck. So now I’ve turned to crime. I’ve built up a pretty impressive show reel from the surveillance cameras that have caught me in various robberies. Should I send it off to Crimewatch or just go for the big one and hope that Crimewatch catches up with me?


Shooting for the Stars

Dear Shooting,

I can understand your desire – completely natural, but I think I better keep my mouth shut on this one. I’m not sure what part the ‘Shooting’ plays in your plan, but I don’t think incitement to murder would look too good on my CV.

On the other hand... have you tried illness or injury? I can give you the name of a hospital where you could probably be guaranteed some airtime.